My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
You Might Also Like
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.