My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party