My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
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my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Lmao the reply
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Just a friendly reminder!
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Oh we’ve met.