I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
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“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.