My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.