@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.
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@thatUPSdude: You ask me if I'm drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.
@pizzasauceboss: *wakes up early* *goes for morning jog* *calls wife to pick him up because he's made a terrible mistake*
@JohnLyonTweets: This haunted house sucks. It's just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
@thenoahkinsey: As long as the stupid phrase "interracial relationship" exists, I'm going to refer to same race ones as a "color-coordinated relationship."