When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
You Might Also Like
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running