A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
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I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy