My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’