@KentWGraham: My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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@daemonic3: Alex: A ship that has sunk What is my relationship? Alex: No sorry tha- [glares at wife] I'll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
@khook32: Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away! Well grandma, that's how organ donation works.
@pixelatedboat: Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I'm a big fan of crucifixions?
@MikeCanRant: I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering "Your end is nigh, letter boy."