My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.