My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
incredible
me when I see my crush
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Not recommended for beginners.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall