@msdanifernandez: My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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@ddsmidt: On the box it said "do not put your tongue on battery." I would never put my tongue on a battery. Although. I kinda want to now.
@KenJennings: I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
@ScorpionDong: The easiest way to get rid of a ghost is to ask him for some rent money or to help with the dishes