My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
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Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
bro what is going on at twitter
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.