@shutupmikeginn: My Uber driver just asked if I knew where to buy cocaine and I pretended to think about it a while before saying no, so he’d think I was cool.
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@thevickster_sa: When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it's time to lay off the Ambien
@TheHyyyype: [when i was a kid] DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you [today] MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot ME: sorry, i'm not really looking for a relationship right now
@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.