@shutupmikeginn: My Uber driver just asked if I knew where to buy cocaine and I pretended to think about it a while before saying no, so he’d think I was cool.
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@junejuly12: To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
@mejustbeth: Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn't hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
@NewDadNotes: [first day in the Coast Guard] Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING! Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.