@shutupmikeginn: My Uber driver just asked if I knew where to buy cocaine and I pretended to think about it a while before saying no, so he’d think I was cool.
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@Ygrene: Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
@HomeProbably: Her: Give me a chat up line? Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper? Her: *laughs* Because I'm so captivating? Me: No, you smell like an animal.
@TheAlexNevil: *gets bitten by a radioactive bear *before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear