Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
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Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills