@megsaystweet: My Uber driver was telling me "stop apply lipstick!" and "start lipstick, Miss!" because of holes in the road... not all heroes wear capes
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@UNTRESOR: I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they're just gonna spend it on more bells.
@briancthayer: Dear microwave companies, Why make us select "cook" at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something? Sincerely, Everyone
@superdadatron: I'm gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family. Bacon Bad
@GrantTanaka: Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked "Dad, does God love bettas?" & I said "Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you."