@megsaystweet: My Uber driver was telling me "stop apply lipstick!" and "start lipstick, Miss!" because of holes in the road... not all heroes wear capes
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@DaddyJew: I'm like a mouse. If u give a mouse a cookie hes gonna want some milk. If u gimme a beer im gonna want some nachos. Plus we both like cheese
@STEELERS1972: So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks . Guess who got his yard cut?
@slackerjorge: In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She's buying tequila and a quart of motor oil. Sure like to know that story
@KeetPotato: cop: [bangs on door] "open up, its the police" me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] "two seconds"