Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
this is uni
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Jokes on them. I took 10.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”