@ComedicBust: My uber driver's looking at me like he's never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
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@burntmybagel: My chiropractor told me I have to stop using air quotes when I call him "doctor."
@JJSummertime: Now I lay me down to rest. I pray your TC loves you best. If he does choose another, I sincerely hope it's not your mother.
@im_not_smug: Coworker: That's a stupid song Me: Your face is stupid Coworker: Way to be mature Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!
@lloydrang: People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say "Oh, look, a dead bird," and you look UP, we take your phone away