@ComedicBust: My uber driver's looking at me like he's never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
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@BeardSpice: *walks into convenience store* "Excuse me, do you sell beef jerky" No sorry we only carry beef friendly *beef sticks start complimenting me*
@RapeyRaperton: When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear "tip to tip" and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
@Ristolable: You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
@jus4golf: My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.