@ComedicBust: My uber driver's looking at me like he's never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
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@DanTaylorAuthor: Me: *gets in from fishing trip* Girlfriend: did you catch anything? Me: *sighs* just an old boot Girlfriend: okay, what's she called?
@TheWadest: Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
@MommaUnfiltered: Murder was so easy in the 1800s... little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.