Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
You Might Also Like
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*