My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.