My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.