My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
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Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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