[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
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I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
*scroll*
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”