George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry