My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425