If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.