@iscoff: My uncle started shouting at me about my "misuse" of emoticons and had a heart attack ;)
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@david8hughes: On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn't feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood* 5-year-old: Who's there? Me: It's not a knock knock joke. 5: It's not a knock knock joke who?
@tastefactory: [ants at a Def Leppard concert] *Pour Some Sugar on Me starts* Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
@thejessbess: Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.