My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
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You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here