My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
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Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick