My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
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Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together