My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.