@primawesome: My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
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@XplodingUnicorn: The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself. It was super cute. Then the pig threw up all over her. Considerably less cute.
@Chumpstring: COP: step outta the car ME: k COP: got any drugs on u ME: nah COP: how about the car ME: wouldn't surprise me. it's been acting funny lately
@WickedCynic: Autocorrect changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.
@patnspankme: This orange juice says shake well before drinking. *shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer