My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
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Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen