After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
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jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.