Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
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If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.