My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
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Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
first you must answer his riddles
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?