My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
You Might Also Like
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
some things should go without saying
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*