My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
#StillHurts
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Mad Max Arctic Road