Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART