My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
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Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
my mind
You just read my mind
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?