Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
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It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
A roof is a house hat.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.