Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
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[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax