I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.