BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
You Might Also Like
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Trying
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]