@realHamOnWry: My Voodoo doll would be a glazed ham wrapped in chicken feathers.
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@markedly: [talking with ex] Me: Is he more boring than me? Her: He is. Me: *devastated* How could you?
@SCbchbum: Friend: I want a baby. Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
@iwearaonesie: wife: know what today is? me: yep wife: on 2 together: 1, 2 wife: Happy Anniver.. me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL.. wife:..sary me: wife: me: ..Santa