My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.