My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
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A friend sent me this.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Just a phase…
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet