@Mr_Kapowski: My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
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@UncleDuke1969: "Let's call it a day." I don't know what else you'd call it. Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid. "Lets call it a turtle." See?
@thetobbie: The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC...
@ghostkrogh: mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile me: wha mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
@TheDairylandDon: No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you're never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word "vitamin"