@Mr_Kapowski: My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
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@Ygrene: [after getting beat up] Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer Me: that guy was not a box
@Chel__CLE: When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy.
@audipenny: A snake is what happens when a string goes "what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head"
@DurtMcHurtt: My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I'm going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.