@Mr_Kapowski: My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
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@lovemydogduck: I WAS LIKE AND HE WAS LIKE AND I WAS LIKE AND SHE WAS LIKE (The speech impediment of the 21st century)
@ieatanddrink: Dating tip: Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask "Where should I put this horse?" When she tells you, say no
@AntonioFrench: Trump's foreign policy answers sound like a book report from a teenager who hasn't read the book. "Oh, the grapes! They had so much wrath!"
@RorynotRoy: Here at Nickelodeon, we're constantly trying to push the boundaries of what a child's head should be shaped like.