“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
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Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*