@Mr_Kapowski: My washer and dryer are doing this weird thing where they've started shrinking my clothes and adding stubborn fat around my midsection
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@CorkyCrash: I've become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
@Chumpstring: COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor's house ME: that's awful COP: he has video of the culprit ME: that's even worse isn't it
@donjuantip: ALCOHOL. Because no one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.