My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *