My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“Wait, let me explain..”
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”