COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.