Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
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Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
wow he looks just like him
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.