My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
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Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Name this drama.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
we all know this pain all too well
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.