invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
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The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Meeeee too!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.