@ChemBtwnUs: My weather forecast is always "room temperature."
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@Mr_Kapowski: ME: Do we have Bacon Bits? WIFE: Fridge. Why? ME: *filling pockets* No reason *dog park* PERSON: Sorry. He's normally behaved ME: No prob
@tastefactory: *cop sees chalk outline on family's driveway* "Damn, a cute bunny was murdered" "No, the kids who live here drew that, the body's over here"
@NYC_Blonde: I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.