@ChemBtwnUs: My weather forecast is always "room temperature."
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@partlyfunny: If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
@TheresNoGodzila: *gets on 1 knee* Me: I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but will you marry me? Her: Please get off my knee
@Fred_Delicious: "Hey Barack" "yes Joe?" "I bet T-Rex's took terrible selfies" "Ok Joe" "Because they had..." "Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy"
@TattedChanel: So Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse after yelling at his kids on a flight. Better send my mum to the electric chair then.