My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
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ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?