My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!