No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people